Hi. Here's my 10-minute dialogue script.
It is due this coming Friday so please give me your feedback as soon as possible. Don't be afraid to be HONEST and when you read it, please be EXTREMELY CRITICAL. Please let me know if dialogue seems forced/unnatural/doesn't add up/doesn't make sense; if the story is illogical or lacks something, or if the characters seem "out of character". No pun intended.
Thank for reading and thanks for caring!
THE CONTENTS OF THIS DOCUMENT ARE PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL
Flying Cars
by
JAMIE CHONG
FIRST DRAFT
JUNE 2007
© JAMIE CHONG, JUNE 2007
Blamey Street, Kelvin Grove
QLD 4059,
Ph: 0432189137
FADE IN:
EXT. RUN-DOWN PART OF
It is a cold winter day.
CASS, a woman wearing an expensive-looking chequered overcoat around the age of twenty four, walks down a dirty, wet alleyway. She has a sweet face and boyishly short black hair. She stops at a rusted, olive green warehouse door with artistic graffiti on it that reads: Not a Loft.
Unlatching something behind the warehouse door, she pushes it open, then walks in and closes it.
INT. WAREHOUSE. DAY
Modernist paintings hang from the unadorned concrete walls of the warehouse. In the centre of the warehouse, there are two rooms, one behind a black door and the other behind a red one. There is a paint-stained couch to the left of these rooms that sits amongst old newspapers, paintings and blank canvases leant against the wall. An easel in the corner holds an unfinished art piece and scattered around it on the ground are brushes, spray paint cans, paints and palettes.
Cass takes off her overcoat and tosses it onto the couch. She is dressed casually in jeans and a navy green t-shirt. She walks to the right of the rooms where there is a sink, a cheap-looking wooden table and three different coloured stools. Dirty dishes are piled up in the sink. Cass sees this and shakes her head.
After browsing through the paintings against the wall, she walks to the black door and starts knocking. There is no response. Smiling while biting her lower lip, she knocks again but to no avail.
CASS
Donnie… Donnie! Open up!!
She bangs on the door with open palms. Still no response, she stares blankly ahead.
FADE TO WHITE
EXT. HIGH-RISE ROOFTOP. NIGHT
SUPER – Three Years Earlier
Cass rests her head comfortably on DONNIE’s stomach. She is wearing a jacket too big to be hers. Donnie looks around twenty years old, has sharp features, messy short hair and appears only slightly underweight.
They are stargazing, lying on a blanket.
CASS
What do you want to do before you die?
DONNIE
Hmm? Why?
He strokes her hair.
CASS
Tell me… I’ve told you!
DONNIE
I don’t know…
CASS
You must’ve at least thought about it.
She turns to face him, her head still on his stomach.
DONNIE
No. Not really.
CASS
Donnie… you bloody liar. Just tell me!
She moves her head closer to his face and looks into his eyes.
CASS (CONT’D)
You can tell me.
DONNIE
Ok. No laughing or I’ll tickle alright?
He smiles and wiggles his fingers close to her stomach. She makes a sour face and kisses him on the cheek.
CASS
Ok. Promise.
DONNIE
I want to see flying cars before I die.
Cass starts sniggering.
DONNIE (CONT’D)
Then i’ll be ready to go.
CASS
What? Flying Cars?
Cass breaks into a giggle, but sees his serious face and stops.
CASS (CONT’D)
Hmm. Do you really think we’ll live that long?
DONNIE
Me? definitely. You… (THINKS) Eh… we’ll see. Maybe not.
Donnie grins.
CASS
Hey!
She smacks his head, and then rubs it as if saying sorry. Donnie sits up and kisses her.
FADE TO WHITE
INT. WAREHOUSE. DAY
The black door opens to reveal Donnie in his mid twenties with longer hair of shoulder length. A jade ring is visible on his left thumb. He leans his head sleepily against the frame of the door and rubs his eyes. Still facing the floor, he yawns, groans lazily and mumbles something before he turns to look at Cass.
CASS
Hi! Morning! You look like…
DONNIE
Shit. It’s…
He whips his head around to look at the clock in his room.
DONNIE
It’s only 9am, why are you here now?! Why now, Cass? Why?
Cass just smiles.
DONNIE
(comically dramatic)
WHY??!!
He smiles wearily.
DONNIE (CONT’D)
(drawly)
You know me… well enough… Never before 12.
CASS
You know me… well enough… I don’t care.
She tousles his already-messy hair, pats his face, then pushes pass him, walking into his room. Donnie rolls his eyes and closes the door.
FADE TO WHITE
INT. CASS’S BEDROOM. DAY
SUPER – One Year Earlier
A modernist painting similar to the ones in Donnie’s loft hangs on a wall in the room. Donnie sits at a desk with a blue marker, drawing Cass on a piece of paper, while Cass reads on her bed.
CASS
Why do you think we still… (PAUSES) do this…
Donnie looks puzzled.
CASS (CONT’D)
THIS! This hanging out thing.
She points back and forth between him and her.
DONNIE
Why not? (SHRUGS)
CASS
Well… Why do you still hang out with me so much?
Donnie touches Cass’s chin, lifting it up.
DONNIE
Just because we broke up doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy spending time with you.
CASS
Aww… You enjoy sshpendingg time wiff meeee… How sweeeeeeeet!!
She grins.
DONNIE
(GASPS) Did you just make fun of me? If you did, you’d better run!!
He raises the blue marker in his hand as he creeps toward the bed. Cass lets out a playful shriek, leaps from the bed and dashes out of the room. Donnie runs after her with the marker.
FADE TO WHITE
INT. DONNIE’S BEDROOM. DAY
Cass sits on the two-seater couch opposite the double bed.
CASS
(cheerily)
So! What do you want for your birthday?
Donnie plonks himself back into bed and buries his face in his pillow.
DONNIE
(muffled)
Do we have to do this now?
FADE TO BLACK
INT. DONNIE’S BEDROOM. DAY
Donnie rolls over in bed, rubs his eyes and glances at the clock; it reads 1.30pm.
DONNIE
Shit.
He jumps out of bed, gets dressed and leaves the room.
INT. WAREHOUSE. DAY
Donnie walks to the unfinished painting on the easel. He turns around looking for red paint and is startled when he sees Cass sitting at the dining table.
DONNIE
Woah, I thought you left.
CASS
(disappointed)
Oh my God.
DONNIE
What?
CASS
I’ve been here the whole time. Waiting.
DONNIE
Okay, didn’t notice.
He picks up a brush and looks around for paint.
CASS
That’s the problem with you. All you do is notice yourself!
She stands up and walks closer to Donnie.
CASS (CONT’D)
You do things for YOU. Just you! And you NEVER notice anyone else!
DONNIE
Gees… Calm down. I just thought you’d left, that’s all. Don’t have to get all upset. Come here.
He walks over to give her a hug, but she steps back.
CASS
Don’t.
Donnie’s cheek twitches. He looks to the floor. He knows what’s coming.
CASS (CONT’D)
Donnie! Sometimes I worry about you. You need a social life! Don’t just stay here all day and paint. Do something. You can ignore me all you want, but just do SOMETHING!
She walks to the couch, grabs her coat and puts it on.
DONNIE
(softly)
What is your problem?
CASS
You have no social life! All you have is Sam…
She points to the red door.
CASS (CONT’D)
And me. And sometimes, gosh… sometimes it’s like you don’t even want me around.
(beat)
I guess that’s it then. You’re just too busy to tell me to leave you alone!
DONNIE
What the! The hell is your problem, Cass?
(beat)
You know what?
He glances at his paintings.
DONNIE (CONT’D)
(calmly)
Ahh… Forget it. Just go, Cass. Go home.
CASS
Never should’ve bought your painting.
DONNIE
Cass…
The warehouse door bangs shut.
Donnie is still for a moment, staring at the kitchen sink where the dirty dishes once were, then he walks back to the easel. He finds a red tube of paint and squeezes it but nothing comes out. Frustrated, he throws it to the ground and starts rummaging through the old newspapers. Nothing. He reaches into his pockets. Nothing. He walks over to the couch and runs his fingers through its interstices, then stops and pulls a twenty dollar bill out. He stuffs it into his pocket as he heads for the door. He stops in his tracks when he hears a scream. It sounds like Cass. He opens the warehouse door, dashing out.
EXT. ALLEYWAY OUTSIDE WAREHOUSE. DAY
A BURLY-LOOKING MAN is seen holding Cass at her stomach. He is holding her back from a SKINNY MAN and a WOMAN in red who is unwilling to let go of her purse.
DONNIE
Oi!
He lunges at the skinny man, knocking him to the ground. Purse in his hand, the skinny man punches Donnie in the face and runs off. Donnie adjusts his jaw, still sitting on the ground.
CASS (O/S)
Donnie!
The burly-looking man strikes the back of Donnie’s head with a bludgeon.
ON BLACK
CASS
I’m sorry about the things I said.
(beat)
You know I didn’t mean them.
INT. HOSPITAL WARD. DUSK
Cass sits at the side of Donnie’s bed, clutching his hand with one hand and running her fingers through his long hair with the other. Donnie, unconscious, has a bruise on his face.
Cass gets off her chair and lies beside him on the hospital bed. A tear rolls down her cheek as she moves his arms and puts them around her.
FADE TO WHITE
INT. HOSPITAL WARD. DAY
A hand with a green ring dangles listlessly from the arm rest of a wheelchair; it belongs to Donnie. Emotionless and expressionless, he gazes blankly out the window.
Cass walks into the ward and stands behind him, also staring out the window; a sombre look on her face. Then she kneels beside him, holds his hand and forces a smile.
CASS
How are you doing today?
Donnie doesn’t respond.
She stands up and wheels him out of the room.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY. DAY
NURSE
You know you ain’t s’pose to take him outta here.
CASS
I know. But today’s a special day.
Cass makes a pleading face, all the while slowly wheeling Donnie away.
NURSE
You know he don’t understand nuttin’ no more, right?
Cass nods.
NURSE
Suit yourself. I don’t know why you even bother.
(beat)
If anyone asks, I din’ see nuttin’, got it?
Cass nods again and smiles thankfully.
INT. CASS’S APARTMENT. DAY
Cass wheels Donnie straight out of the elevator into her apartment. The place looks different from before and Donnie’s painting hangs in its new spot——the dining room wall.
Cass glances at the painting and smiles.
CASS
You remember the first day we met, don’t you?
She doesn’t expect a response and wheels Donnie down the hall and into the living room.
INT. CASS’S APARTMENT LIVING ROOM. DAY
Countless toy cars hang from the ceiling by nylon thread, as if they were flying amidst the walls of the room which were painted to look like a futuristic megalopolis.
Donnie’s cheek twitches, slowly forming a faint smile.
CASS (O/S)
Happy birthday, Donnie.
FADE OUT.
posted by My life in Brisbane, if you care... at 6/10/2007 08:04:00 PM
6 Comments:
DONNIE
What the! The hell is your problem, Cass?
I find the 'What the!' very unlikely to be said unless your characters are Malaysians. Yeah... nice storeeee
Thanks stef. Good point. I'll take that into consideration.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but I just wanted to say my few cents worth and if it is seen as constructive criticism that would be fantastic.
I assume that you are trying to establish the relationship between the 2 people to the audience before the incident happens. I feel there is too much jumping around and flash in and outs. Got a little confused.
I found the bashing a bit sudden and to me kinda 'cliche'ed that he turns into a vegetable and I guess when that happened I knew what the ending would be already.
Good luck with it J.
Thanks kev, yeah it's constructive... But you need to tell me WHAT to add or change.
I tried not to use cliches... some people have told me that if he died it would've been cliched, and some tell me that they thought the Cass was gonna get hurt instead of Donnie... and that would've been cliched. But i guess different people expect different things and my ending just so happen to be what you expected... and therefore it's cliched...
Yes the flashbacks were very specific in terms of planting little points along the way to lead up to the "climax" if you can call it that and then the "resolution"...
I prefer writing complex narratives because if i wrote the whole thing in chronological order... that would be boring...
I was hoping the points at which i placed the flashbacks would keep you interested in the event/s that were about to happen in "real time" or in other words the whole "who's Donnie?" and "why is this scene here?" and to help "elevate" the minor tension in the argument scene...
Kannan found the flashbacks confusing too. But aside from you and him, everyone else could piece together what happened before the whole 'robbery incident'... Maybe you need to pay attention the the SUPERS (the words on screen).
But anyway, what i really need from you are actual suggestions... not comments. Suggestions on what to add or what to take out or what to change. So let me know asap!
Thanks kev!
dad's been through the whole script and he says that its good and he has no comment, in a good way.
"So, lets wait for the results from the teacher. Take care and God bless," says the daddy.
Dad doesnt know how to comment. Therefore I'm doing it for him.
HAHA...
thanks stef... the internet functions interpreter... You're the IFI.
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