Popping Out----Inner Thoughts
Ever feel trapped? Trapped in any sense... Be it trapped in time, trapped by your thoughts or by the way you think, trapped by given situations, trapped by your insecurites, trapped by past events, past memories, trapped by what you feel or what you feel obliged to do? Trapped till you have trouble breathing, slowly suffocating, slowly dying inside.
If only there was a helpline, a helpline that you could call that would connect you to God, he'd pick up the phone and go, "yes, can i help you with anything today?". But then you realize you're just imagining things and you accidentally called the airport or domino's or something. Nah, kidding. And all you feel like asking is, "WHY!!!!!!!!!!????????" or you feel like screaming, "HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!" or you could even say calmly, "What do you expect me to do when you put me in these shoes and this situation or that situation?"
HE then answers you by saying, "Well, this is life, it's supposed to be tough, it's supposed to be full of depressing and confusing episodes, and you're supposed to make important and sometimes crucial decisions that would then lead you down the path you supposedly chose for yourself and so live a life that is full of meaning and hardship so as to gain experience and come up with better decisions and become wiser... I'm rambling, what am i saying, what i mean to say is that Jesus sacrificed himself for all and he didn't get to live his life, therefore all of you must suffer to pay for what he gave up for all you puny humans!!!" Sorry, God. That's just a little comment. A little joke. Don't take it too seriously.
I guess I'm just having another hefty meal of anxiety attack, with a hint of depression and a slice of homesickness served with sour relish and bad tasting wine. My parents left yesterday. Djenta, the witch a.k.a. the heartless rat, left for good as well, back to her island of Indon. Contract is signed in my name now, currently searching for a housemate. Friday, Shelley's coming to see the place, called me, said she was interested. What can i say, yesterday, my first class started at 11am, and my parents' flight was at 1pm. So i had to say goodbye to my mom and dad and head to school all gloomy-faced. My mom made me cry cos she started to cry even though she said she wouldn't, so i couldn't cry much and let it all out cos they had to leave around 11am and i had to go to school, my mom was still packing, my dad sent me to school, i didn't want my friends to see me cry. And i thought i'd be used to it by now.
Well, maybe it's all just too much to take in, what with all the people leaving, the apartment is now so quiet cos i live alone, and stressing about getting a housemate to share the burden of the rent, second semester starting, taking a diploma subject to replace one of the usual foundation subjects, bit stressed out with all the readings for diploma and the openness and broad area of the creative subjects i'm now taking to prep me for my course next year that allow us to be creative anyway we like, this may prompt you to ask "why would this be stressful?", my answer would be, "cos you have to come up with something to talk about each week in class like a show and tell and it has to be creative, being creative... hmm, everyone has a different idea as to what is creative and what isn't, same with paintings, some my think a painting of trees in one line is beautiful, but others may think it is too common and would instead think that a painting done with chalk and charcoal of a ball and a stick is much more artistic and creative. And you can't please everybody when it comes to things like these, which makes the futures of hopeful artists in any field be it music, painting, sculpting, film-making, performance arts, design and so on so unpredictable and not to mention unstable. And you can't expect to come up with a great, thought-provoking, "creative" piece of work every single week? Can you? You're bound to have some really good pieces of work but you're also definitely gonna have some less interesting and amusing projects, am i right? Maybe i'm just afraid of failure... Or maybe I'm just suffering from FWS (First Week Syndrome), i made it up, but that's what i think i'm suffering from, all the anxiety and excitement of finally studying subjects related to next year's course but at the same time still a bit worried about what i have to offer creatively even though i may feel i am creative in a certain way in certain aspects. The trouble is that some people want to do something so badly or to put it in a nastier more pesimistic way be something they're not, even though they don't have the talents or fit the criteria to be what they want. So it's all just a little overwhelming in general.
After i got home from school at 1pm yesterday (i only had 1 class), i turned the key and pushed the door open to find an empty and serene apartment, all clean and tidy because my parents have been cleaning since they got here so it wouldn't be so hard to live in for the next few years. Then i just burst out crying, what a baby, i cried for a few minutes or so and then that was enough, cos i had things to do, i had to go to the city to deposit money into the bank and also to switch my mom's Il Divo Encora dvd that wasn't working properly with another one, this was the second switch. The lady told me that the whole batch could be faulty and therefore if i found that the dvd she changed for me was once again faulty, i should call them the next day to inform them and they'd tell the supplier to ship over new ones and hopefully ones that'll work. So that's that... I had to wait about 40 mins for the free QUT shuttle bus, for the first time in my experience with the bus, it was late... very late... but at least i got things done.
The apartment feels different now that the wicked witch has left the land of Oz and also now that my parents have left, i was sort of getting used to the lifestyle with my parents here to take care of me and with a car (rented) again. The apartment felt much much more "homey"... now it just feels empty and i'm starting to feel lonely. Plus now that Alan, Sue, Kannan, Yuka and Chewan have moved to Carseldine, close to the QUT Carseldine campus, and Kannan and i no longer have as many classes together as we used to in the first semester, it's kind of hard to go days with little or no human interaction with a close friend.
So maybe i'm just a little drained from all different areas of my life nowadays. Drained socially, mentally and emotionally. To make it slightly more dramatic than it should be, yeah, i'm slightly physically drained cos i exercised yesterday. Haha...
Don't worry, I'll get over all this, and myself. Hehe...
That's all for now, thanks for reading and thanks for caring.
If only there was a helpline, a helpline that you could call that would connect you to God, he'd pick up the phone and go, "yes, can i help you with anything today?". But then you realize you're just imagining things and you accidentally called the airport or domino's or something. Nah, kidding. And all you feel like asking is, "WHY!!!!!!!!!!????????" or you feel like screaming, "HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!" or you could even say calmly, "What do you expect me to do when you put me in these shoes and this situation or that situation?"
HE then answers you by saying, "Well, this is life, it's supposed to be tough, it's supposed to be full of depressing and confusing episodes, and you're supposed to make important and sometimes crucial decisions that would then lead you down the path you supposedly chose for yourself and so live a life that is full of meaning and hardship so as to gain experience and come up with better decisions and become wiser... I'm rambling, what am i saying, what i mean to say is that Jesus sacrificed himself for all and he didn't get to live his life, therefore all of you must suffer to pay for what he gave up for all you puny humans!!!" Sorry, God. That's just a little comment. A little joke. Don't take it too seriously.
I guess I'm just having another hefty meal of anxiety attack, with a hint of depression and a slice of homesickness served with sour relish and bad tasting wine. My parents left yesterday. Djenta, the witch a.k.a. the heartless rat, left for good as well, back to her island of Indon. Contract is signed in my name now, currently searching for a housemate. Friday, Shelley's coming to see the place, called me, said she was interested. What can i say, yesterday, my first class started at 11am, and my parents' flight was at 1pm. So i had to say goodbye to my mom and dad and head to school all gloomy-faced. My mom made me cry cos she started to cry even though she said she wouldn't, so i couldn't cry much and let it all out cos they had to leave around 11am and i had to go to school, my mom was still packing, my dad sent me to school, i didn't want my friends to see me cry. And i thought i'd be used to it by now.
Well, maybe it's all just too much to take in, what with all the people leaving, the apartment is now so quiet cos i live alone, and stressing about getting a housemate to share the burden of the rent, second semester starting, taking a diploma subject to replace one of the usual foundation subjects, bit stressed out with all the readings for diploma and the openness and broad area of the creative subjects i'm now taking to prep me for my course next year that allow us to be creative anyway we like, this may prompt you to ask "why would this be stressful?", my answer would be, "cos you have to come up with something to talk about each week in class like a show and tell and it has to be creative, being creative... hmm, everyone has a different idea as to what is creative and what isn't, same with paintings, some my think a painting of trees in one line is beautiful, but others may think it is too common and would instead think that a painting done with chalk and charcoal of a ball and a stick is much more artistic and creative. And you can't please everybody when it comes to things like these, which makes the futures of hopeful artists in any field be it music, painting, sculpting, film-making, performance arts, design and so on so unpredictable and not to mention unstable. And you can't expect to come up with a great, thought-provoking, "creative" piece of work every single week? Can you? You're bound to have some really good pieces of work but you're also definitely gonna have some less interesting and amusing projects, am i right? Maybe i'm just afraid of failure... Or maybe I'm just suffering from FWS (First Week Syndrome), i made it up, but that's what i think i'm suffering from, all the anxiety and excitement of finally studying subjects related to next year's course but at the same time still a bit worried about what i have to offer creatively even though i may feel i am creative in a certain way in certain aspects. The trouble is that some people want to do something so badly or to put it in a nastier more pesimistic way be something they're not, even though they don't have the talents or fit the criteria to be what they want. So it's all just a little overwhelming in general.
After i got home from school at 1pm yesterday (i only had 1 class), i turned the key and pushed the door open to find an empty and serene apartment, all clean and tidy because my parents have been cleaning since they got here so it wouldn't be so hard to live in for the next few years. Then i just burst out crying, what a baby, i cried for a few minutes or so and then that was enough, cos i had things to do, i had to go to the city to deposit money into the bank and also to switch my mom's Il Divo Encora dvd that wasn't working properly with another one, this was the second switch. The lady told me that the whole batch could be faulty and therefore if i found that the dvd she changed for me was once again faulty, i should call them the next day to inform them and they'd tell the supplier to ship over new ones and hopefully ones that'll work. So that's that... I had to wait about 40 mins for the free QUT shuttle bus, for the first time in my experience with the bus, it was late... very late... but at least i got things done.
The apartment feels different now that the wicked witch has left the land of Oz and also now that my parents have left, i was sort of getting used to the lifestyle with my parents here to take care of me and with a car (rented) again. The apartment felt much much more "homey"... now it just feels empty and i'm starting to feel lonely. Plus now that Alan, Sue, Kannan, Yuka and Chewan have moved to Carseldine, close to the QUT Carseldine campus, and Kannan and i no longer have as many classes together as we used to in the first semester, it's kind of hard to go days with little or no human interaction with a close friend.
So maybe i'm just a little drained from all different areas of my life nowadays. Drained socially, mentally and emotionally. To make it slightly more dramatic than it should be, yeah, i'm slightly physically drained cos i exercised yesterday. Haha...
Don't worry, I'll get over all this, and myself. Hehe...
That's all for now, thanks for reading and thanks for caring.
posted by My life in Brisbane, if you care... at 6/29/2006 03:10:00 PM
3 Comments:
oh well. Ur doing pretty good as a first timer overseas. How many times u cried? I'll say 3-5 times since you first came? don't u worry. Next year. you won't cry as many times as this year. Hahah. You'll get used to it =)
Thanks guys, and dad, your nickname is scaring me. Yeah, thanks to Irz, i actually can write what i feel here and after i do so i feel much better. Thanks for the support though. Appreciate it. Cool... Yeah, I'll be going over to Mel for Meg's wedding i think.
oi u betta come man!!!!
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